Genteel slobbery

I see the Telegraph has come out with another of those 'lists' that Waitrose shoppers love to complete to affirm their middle-class status and reassure themselves they're 'posh': '16 belongings you will own if you're middle-class'.

Here's one I came up with as an alternative:

35 signs you have class but no money (well, your family may have had money, but some generations ago)…

1. Your Barbour is over 30 years old
2. So is your favourite winter coat
3. You don't have a dishwasher
4. The crocks in your cupboard are a jumble of 1970s Habitat earthenware, stacked with your grandmother's Wedgwood and Minton dinner plates
5. You have champagne flutes but they're covered in a thin film of dust
6. Ditto the set of crystal sherry glasses
7. Your cookware is over ten years old (your favourite saucepan is probably the one you used at school camp)
8. You drink your morning tea from a bone-china cup and your coffee out of a KitKat mug that came free with an Easter Egg 10 years ago
9. You don't have an AGA or a Rayburn, you have an old trooper of a gas cooker
10. Christmas trifle is made in a large Victorian crystal punch bowl drowning in sherry
11. You had a Chesterfield sofa at home, but it was ripped to shreds by generations of cats
12. You know how to write and address letters to peers and other dignitaries without having to consult Debretts Correct Form – but you can't remember how you know…
13. You know how to curtsey / bow if required, without toppling over, even when drunk
14. You know how to correctly introduce people of different ranks to each other, but again, you can't remember how you know…
15. You use correct spelling and grammar - even when texting
16. You say 'aitch' and not 'haitch' (Irish people are excused)
17. You drive an aged Ford
18. You use the back of A5 bits of paper watermarked 'Smythson' with your childhood address printed on the front as scrap / for shopping lists
19. Ref 18 - the address is die-stamped, not thermo-printed (to look as if it's die-stamped)
20. You buy your underwear from the local market stall and greet the stall-holder by name
21. Ditto your nightwear
22. Most of your woollens have at least one hole or trailing thread
23. You don't give a toss when people are surprised that you buy your jeans from Tu at Sainsbury's
24. You scraped an 'O' level in French
25. You understand basic Latin, and use it occasionally to emphasise a point – then have to explain what you just said…
26. You fix stuff around the house yourself using the Reader's Digest book of How to do Stuff Around the House, and if you can't fix the problem, you simply avoid the damaged area (particularly applies to rotted floors and stairs)
27. Your wiring is 'idiosyncratic' but you know how to jiggle the bakerlite switch it to make it work
28. You know how to climb over a 5-bar gate
29. You know how to shoot, but you don't shoot
30. You know how to ride, but you don't own a horse
31. You don't put on the heating, you just wear more clothes
32. You have a hot water bottle
33. You have a very old bottle of gin rubbing shoulders with an ancient bottle of cherry brandy in your drinks cupboard
34. You don't have a drinks cupboard, you use a shelf in the pantry
35. You don’t give a flying one what anyone says about you

© Emmeline Wyndham - 2016